Episode 1 Part 2

Subject: Episode 1 Part 2 Fri Nov 01, 2013 1:26 pm

No!!!!! i screamed lily!!!!!! i ran to her but all i felt was the block of ice. I had enough of this!!! screamed maggie take that!!!!!! water hurricane!!!!! ugh!!! yelled icy im outta here!!!! next thing i knew she was gone. Riven and lily!!! they are still cold!!!! said timmy , ok ok i know i stammered heals of the light!!! i said next thing i knew riven and lily woke up what happend? you guys got turned into ice replied brandon lets go said timmy its getting cold out here. What happened in the omega portal? asked mrs.brandy nothing because we didn't go i said what? replied mrs. kara. We got attacked by icy stammered riven who's face was still frosty another attack? asked mrs. demi there was another attack? i asked puzzled umm i think you guys should get some rest said mrs.demi . As we were walking to our cabins, i saw kiara looking at me again i walked over to her but britteny got there first . Well look who its is MRS. LITTLE STALKER!! she said smiling kiara didn't smile everybody knew she had anger promblems last year she put a bowl of mouse dung on somebodys head. Leave me alone!!! kiara said loudly why?? britteny said your not going to do anything are you?? LEAVE HER ALONE !!! i shouted britteny turned towards me and laughed in my face your not going to do ANYTHING!!!! just because mrs.brandy sent you on a special mission doesn't mean you can talk to me like that!!! screamed britteny GIRLS GIRLS STOP RIGHT NOW!!!! we turned around to see mrs.kara standing with her hands on her hips. Britteny come to my office right now!!!! yelled mrs.kara and kayla go to your cabin RIGHT NOW!!! then she turned away towards her office britteny gave me the evil eye and walked with mrs.kara to her office . I walked to my cabin i was very tired and she was still wondering what kiara was up to but she just sat down on her bed staring at the walls then she heard something scratching at the window she walked to the window to scared to open it but she opened it anyway and she lit up as soon as she saw the winx holding flowers and goodies and her mom musa was with them.

Subject: Re: Episode 1 Part 2 Fri Nov 01, 2013 1:45 pm

You might hate me for this, but you need to separate your dialog and add quotes around it so people can tell when your character is talking. It's really hard to read this because I have no idea where the talking starts or ends or when a scene begins. I can't really tell you what I think of the story because I can't decipher what's happening in it. What I could read dragged a bit because you repeated the same words over and over.

Second, you need to capitalize your proper nouns (Names such as Musa and Brittany) as well as the beginnings of sentences and the letter I when referring to yourself.

Third, you don't need excessive amounts of exclamation marks, one will suffice. If you feel you need more emphasis on how something is being said or what is happening, italicize a word or phrase.

That's all I can think to add at the moment.

Subject: Re: Episode 1 Part 2 Fri Nov 01, 2013 1:50 pm

Domino_kitty wrote:: You might hate me for this, but you need to separate your dialog and add quotes around it so people can tell when your character is talking. It's really hard to read this because I have no idea where the talking starts or ends or when a scene begins. I can't really tell you what I think of the story because I can't decipher what's happening in it. What I could read dragged a bit because you repeated the same words over and over.

Second, you need to capitalize your proper nouns (Names such as Musa and Brittany) as well as the beginnings of sentences and the letter I when referring to yourself.

Third, you don't need excessive amounts of exclamation marks, one will suffice. If you feel you need more emphasis on how something is being said or what is happening, italicize a word or phrase.

That's all I can think to add at the moment.

that wasn't me my cousin hacked me but im trying to fix it i might delete it sorry about that

Subject: Re: Episode 1 Part 2 Fri Nov 01, 2013 1:53 pm

winxbloom800 wrote:

Domino_kitty wrote:: You might hate me for this, but you need to separate your dialog and add quotes around it so people can tell when your character is talking. It's really hard to read this because I have no idea where the talking starts or ends or when a scene begins. I can't really tell you what I think of the story because I can't decipher what's happening in it. What I could read dragged a bit because you repeated the same words over and over.

Second, you need to capitalize your proper nouns (Names such as Musa and Brittany) as well as the beginnings of sentences and the letter I when referring to yourself.

Third, you don't need excessive amounts of exclamation marks, one will suffice. If you feel you need more emphasis on how something is being said or what is happening, italicize a word or phrase.

That's all I can think to add at the moment.

that wasn't me my cousin hacked me but im trying to fix it i might delete it sorry about that

It's okay, I just hope I didn't come across as too harsh. I can't get any of my stuff on here from FF anymore because they won't allow you to copy and paste from the site even when you save it.

Subject: Re: Episode 1 Part 2 Fri Nov 01, 2013 2:09 pm

Domino_kitty wrote:

winxbloom800 wrote:

Domino_kitty wrote:: You might hate me for this, but you need to separate your dialog and add quotes around it so people can tell when your character is talking. It's really hard to read this because I have no idea where the talking starts or ends or when a scene begins. I can't really tell you what I think of the story because I can't decipher what's happening in it. What I could read dragged a bit because you repeated the same words over and over.

Second, you need to capitalize your proper nouns (Names such as Musa and Brittany) as well as the beginnings of sentences and the letter I when referring to yourself.

Third, you don't need excessive amounts of exclamation marks, one will suffice. If you feel you need more emphasis on how something is being said or what is happening, italicize a word or phrase.

That's all I can think to add at the moment.

that wasn't me my cousin hacked me but im trying to fix it i might delete it sorry about that

It's okay, I just hope I didn't come across as too harsh. I can't get any of my stuff on here from FF anymore because they won't allow you to copy and paste from the site even when you save it.

thanks for the advice !!!! Smile

Subject: Re: Episode 1 Part 2 Fri Nov 01, 2013 9:31 pm

i just love so much

Subject: Re: Episode 1 Part 2 Fri Nov 01, 2013 11:02 pm

oh you changed the teacher name to Brittney that is fine and thank you for changing it

Subject: Re: Episode 1 Part 2 Sat Nov 02, 2013 10:33 pm

My advise for the story is the same as the last time I reviewed: space, capitalization, quotes, grammar, punctuation. Your story is hard to read and follow along with, and it can be amazing if you utilize those five I just listed.

Subject: Re: Episode 1 Part 2 Sun Nov 03, 2013 12:51 am

yep I agree

Subject: Re: Episode 1 Part 2 Sun Nov 03, 2013 1:13 am

You know kayla, if you don't have time to edit your stories, I could edit them for you if you give me some credit. Smile

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