Cygnus' third person RP training.

RP Moderator Posts : 9973

First topic message reminder :

Alright, now here we are to train you Cygnus in third person. It's not all that hard.

Third person allows you describe more things around you, but is less inner monology of the character. You don't have to be in your characters head the entire time, allowing for you to show more of what is happening in a given area etc.

Now I shall begins.

Sitting by the well with a large book of myths from Domino, The red haired specialists Roll eyes move back and forth at a very quiet pace. He skipped past the dragon flame chapter since to him it wasn't important. This story is rather interesting He thinks, as he flips the page. Nearby, his magiwolf pup, Layla and his cousins bunny Kiko, are running around with nets, chasing butterflies.

RP Moderator Posts : 9973

Alright, here we are with the tenses. She closed her eyes, but then she reaches out to touch Layla. You seem to have left out move/moved when you said she a little bit close. You than have begins which is present and then was later on which is past. Please try this sentence again with one tense.

The soft fur felt soft or the fur is very soft as she touches the magiwolf's head.

if you stay in past it should be opened her eyes and smiles should smiled and laughs should be laughed.

Winx Fairy Posts : 42

Sashi tries to touch it, she closed her eyes and tried to reach out carefully with the right hand. Soon she felt soft fur and she opened her eyes. She patted the pet close to her and realized how cute it is.

RP Moderator Posts : 9973

You do not need your characters last name in this, you need to say what it is and it would be better to use an and instead of a comma to help with flow. Also if you're using past, tries should be tried. The second tries isn't needed. You can shorten up the next part by saying, "Soon she felt soft fur and she opened her eyes." I would also advise using that was between pet and close to help with flow as well.

Winx Fairy Posts : 42

Sashi closed her eyes and tried to touch it with the right of her hand slowly. Soon she felt something soft. As she opened her eyes it was smiled with joy.

RP Moderator Posts : 9973

You're getting closer to perfect the tenses. Since you're striving for past, tries should be tried and smiles should be smiled. Also, tiny bit of wording issue. Should be with her right hand. The way you had it sounded rather weird and clunky. The next part should be something like this, She soon felt something soft and she smiled broadly in joy as she opened her eyes.

Winx Fairy Posts : 42

Sashi closed her eyes and tried to touch it. As her right hand got closer to the pet she was nervous if it would bite her. She then felt a soft fur coat. It was so soft she'd had to open her eyes.

RP Moderator Posts : 9973

Layla doesn't even bark when the girl pets her and instead tries to lick her hand.

Winx Fairy Posts : 42

Sashi got licked from the pet, "I'm not food." as she got up and ran.

RP Moderator Posts : 9973

It's ran. not run due to it being past tense.

The pup looks at the fairy with confusion. The licking was her way of showing affection.

"She wasn't thinking your food Sashi." Roll remarks quickly, taking a step forward, "It's just her way to show affection."

Winx Fairy Posts : 42

Sashi blushes and looks at far away distance at Roll and speak. "Oh my i'm so sorry. I shouldn't get ahead of myself."

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