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yukai5
Sirenix Fairy
 
Posts : 5304
Age : 33
Location : New Zealand
 | Subject: Re: Aisha's Bootcamp  Thu Jan 08, 2015 7:23 am | |
| "Is there any other sort of genres you like listening to?" Bloom asked the freshman, "There are many genres out there." | |
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aisha238
Sirenix Fairy
 
Posts : 7867
Age : 24
Location : Fantasy Island: The only place where my dreams come true
Hobbies : Most likely playing Resident Evil, especially Resident Evil 5
| | Subject: Re: Aisha's Bootcamp Thu Jan 08, 2015 1:26 pm | |
| "I do listen to some rap songs." Brianna replies | |
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yukai5
Sirenix Fairy
Posts : 5304
Age : 33
Location : New Zealand
| | Subject: Re: Aisha's Bootcamp Thu Jan 08, 2015 7:19 pm | |
| ((You need to expand your dialog more as well as you paragraph. You can't just use one liners all the time since it can get boring pretty quickly.))
Bloom thought for a bit.
"What about things that you don't like?" she asked Brianna, "It can be anything that you like." | |
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aisha238
Sirenix Fairy
Posts : 7867
Age : 24
Location : Fantasy Island: The only place where my dreams come true
Hobbies : Most likely playing Resident Evil, especially Resident Evil 5
| | Subject: Re: Aisha's Bootcamp Thu Jan 08, 2015 7:29 pm | |
| "Well, I don't like to wear make-up like other girls do. I get mad when someone is overdoing something and when someone is touching my stuff." Brianna replies to her | |
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yukai5
Sirenix Fairy
Posts : 5304
Age : 33
Location : New Zealand
| | Subject: Re: Aisha's Bootcamp Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:23 pm | |
| ((You still need to expand the non-dialog. It's equally important as the dialog so read what I put down below carefully. And with listing things, use a comma instead of a full stop, and when finishing a sentence, use a full stop.))
Bloom nodded and stood up. She stretched a bit, then did the triple backflip that Aisha taught her and the Winx. She landed perfectly.
"I can teach you how to do that if you like" she suggested to Brianna. | |
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aisha238
Sirenix Fairy
Posts : 7867
Age : 24
Location : Fantasy Island: The only place where my dreams come true
Hobbies : Most likely playing Resident Evil, especially Resident Evil 5
| | Subject: Re: Aisha's Bootcamp Thu Jan 08, 2015 10:45 pm | |
| Brianna thinks for a bit, then says: "Sure Bloom." Brianna stands and waits for Bloom to tell her what to do. | |
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yukai5
Sirenix Fairy
Posts : 5304
Age : 33
Location : New Zealand
| | Subject: Re: Aisha's Bootcamp Thu Jan 08, 2015 10:48 pm | |
| ((now you are not expanding the dialog. I told you already that both are equally important. So I want to fix that post, with expanding both dialog and non-dialog.)) | |
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aisha238
Sirenix Fairy
Posts : 7867
Age : 24
Location : Fantasy Island: The only place where my dreams come true
Hobbies : Most likely playing Resident Evil, especially Resident Evil 5
| | Subject: Re: Aisha's Bootcamp Sat Jan 10, 2015 3:46 am | |
| Brianna thinks for a bit, then says: "Sure Bloom, I would love to learn how to do a triple back flip." Brianna stands and waits for Bloom to tell her what to do | |
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yukai5
Sirenix Fairy
Posts : 5304
Age : 33
Location : New Zealand
| | Subject: Re: Aisha's Bootcamp Sat Jan 10, 2015 5:11 am | |
| Now that's more like it. You should be doing that in the main rp. We are going to do a quick pause since there is something that I would like to talk to you about, and no I'm not talking about grammar, though you do need an extra push by using different words for replying a character than using the same one over and over again.
Let me ask you a question. Do you know what a plot is? | |
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aisha238
Sirenix Fairy
Posts : 7867
Age : 24
Location : Fantasy Island: The only place where my dreams come true
Hobbies : Most likely playing Resident Evil, especially Resident Evil 5
| | Subject: Re: Aisha's Bootcamp Sat Jan 10, 2015 12:04 pm | |
| A Plot is the events that make up a story | |
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