First topic message reminder :
Hi everyone, I just wanted to post my problems here to simply let it out. I've been told many times that keeping things to myself is very bad, and I'm finally deciding to relieve it. I have friends I could talk to about it, but I never feel comfortable talking to them about it. So I'm going to post to my friends here. It is kinda personal so yeah.
One of the things I've been wanting to talk about for so long is my problems at home, with my parents. They argue all the time, and I am sick of it. By argue I don't mean just little arguments that are easily forgettable, I mean full-on verbal/physical abuse that lasts hours sometimes. They argue about everything. My dad has a panic-attack problem and everytime something goes wrong all hell brakes loose. Yelling, shouting, swearing, hitting, punching, throwing things. Everytime something goes wrong, which seems to be quite often. It has been like this for all my life, 15 years. It's gradually getting worst. The violence really gets to me. It gets me so down, and probably isn't helping my 5-year-old brother either. It makes me feel like absolute crap. I'm too afraid to get involved, and everytime I do I always do/say something wrong. I just can't put up with it anymore, and I've literally shouted it at them to tell them how I really feel. But nothing seems to work, I just get in the crap for it. It just gets to the point where I feel like self-harming or even ending my life because I feels so down and stupid. I get those thoughts a lot. Sometimes when the argue I just run away from home to escape. They're too wrapped up in a fight to care about me. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even care if I was gone, because I always get the feeling that no one will. I wish so bad that my parents would divorce, unlike many people I would be happy. It would be like my freedom. My mum hates my dad an I know it. But even she is afraid to leave him.
My dad has never really been here for me, and has hardly been part of my upbringing despite the fact that we've always lived together. Is it bad for me siding with my mum and not really caring for my dad? My dad always makes me feel guilty for no seeing his point of view, but I do see it. I think the main reason I see it is because I'm like him, not in the panic attack way, but just general other ways. My mum said to me as a kid that I was like my father, and that really stuck to me. Everyday I realise more ways that I'm like him, and I don't want to be like him! It just adds another reason why I don't want to be here. Now my mum says that I'm not like him, but I don't know whether shes saying that to make me feel better or not.
Another thing is I always feel so useless. I get fed up with myself for making the simplest mistakes. I feel that I can never do anything right. Everything that I do wrong dwells on me, I've always had a hard time letting things go. Sometimes I feel like leaving here because I make so many mistakes. In class when I don't get something, I get annoyed about it, especially in maths when my teacher can't explain things very well. There has been a few times when I feel like just running out of the class and crying.
I cry a lot, more than ever over the last two years. I just wish I was stronger :/ I know it's a long blurb about everything...but I guess it was worth it.
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Tue Oct 08, 2024 4:01 am by 
(friend love haha)
Every time my mum has mentioned about divorce he just gets uptight and walks away. I do agree that I need to talk to them about the way I feel, my dad isn't that approachable about that stuff though. Thanks for the advice though, I'll just need to gain some confidence (: