Sailor Lily
RP Moderator
 
Posts : 7461
Age : 24
Location : On the moon! In the room next to Queen Serenity!
Hobbies : Watching and reading sailor moon
 | Subject: Into the Moon Kingdom  Sat Aug 08, 2015 10:51 pm | |
| My first fan-fiction.  So don't expect anything legendary. So here's a little something I've been working on. It's mostly humour/friendship based (so be warned, serious members of BIW). Just to show a view of our lunar OCs and the Celestix would be like after the Moon Kingdom was revived. And I apologize again if any OCs act OOC. - Chapter 1:
“I’ll skip it.” The moon princess said in a tone that she wasn’t changing her mind, not looking up from her book
“But it’s your duty to be there as moon princess.“ Noko started but got interrupted.
It had been 5 years since the moon kingdom had been revived and the rightful princess had been found. Though Miyu, Noko, and Chandra did take a while to adjust to their new lives, the Celestix had been there by their side. It was summer vacation which meant that the 3 girls had to focus more on their duties than normal.
“Ugh what’s the point though? It’s literally 6 hours of speeches and then food.” Miyu said in a bored tone. “It wouldn’t be that bad to go to the Annual Lunarlight assembly if there was only food there.”
“It couldn’t have been that bad.” Beth said, leaning back against the lounge chair, looking pretty chill.
“Yeah, I don’t see what you are all whining about.” Chandra said but was distracted, playing moon ninja on her phone.
“Maybe that’s because you were asleep Beth, and you, Chandra, were on your phone throughout the whole court session.” Amara said, flipping her black hair over her shoulder, narrowing her eyes at both of them.
“Well whether we like it or not, a team of chefs need to be chosen by today.” Lexi said, trying to get the team back on track. “We know the protocol. The best chefs show up in the town square, the food is tasted, and at the end of it, a team of chefs is chosen to cook for the Annual Lunarlight assembly. So it would probably be best if at least we show up to see their decisions ahead of time.”
“Well…..how does NO still sound?” Miyu said, flipping a page in her book.
Lena sighed. “I’m totally finding a way to skip. Maybe I can get my hands on a magic taser and paralyze all the speakers before the assembly.” She thought out loud.
“That’s it!” Chandra’s eyes gleamed with an idea.
“You aren’t actually suggesting to use a taser, are you?” Kat asked, rolling her eyes.
“No, but Lena gave me an idea.” Chandra said happily while the others groaned, not liking the sound of that.
“The last time you had an idea, I ended up freezing the palace kitchen.” Clara sulked, remembering that incident.
“This is way better.” Chandra said and jumped onto the table in the lounge room. “There needs to be a chef at the assembly right?”
“Right…” Amara said, waiting for the moon priestess to continue.
“And if there is no chef, then the assembly won’t happen, right?”
“Wait, are you seriously suggesting that we-" Rayla said, realizing what Chandra was on to.
Miyu’s eyes lit up. “So you’re saying that we should stall the judges for the food testing, go in their place, and reject all the food?”
“Exactly what I’m saying!” Chandra said, looking pretty smug with herself.
“I hope when you say stall, you actually mean stalling.” Rayla said to Miyu. She knew that the girl had her heart in the right place, but still had her antics from Cloudtower up her sleeve.
“Of course not.” Miyu said, rolling her eyes, tossing her book onto the couch. “Obviously me, Chandra, Noko, Beth, and Rayla will go to the event and reject all the food, while the rest of you knock out the judges and throw them into the bushes or something.”
“What?” Lexi asked in horror, not liking this idea. She picked up the book Miyu threw and put it back on one of the shelves in the lounge room. “But- but I-“
“For Pete’s sake, I’ll make sure no one will arrest you so live a little. We are going with that plan!” The moon princess said bossily before raising an eyebrow. “Or are you too scared?” She challenged.
Lexi straightened. “I’m not scared….I just think there is a way to do this with less…bloodshed…”
“Well we are certainly not throwing anyone into the bushes but if we only change that part, I'm cool with this plan.” Rayla said. Though the idea sounded dumb, they were getting desperate now.
“Well…as long as we don’t go too hard on them…” Lexi said, fiddling with her own hands. “I guess I’m up for the plan.”
“This is so not mature.” Amara said, face palming before looking up. “Alright, I’m in.” The gem fairy added in, as if she didn’t remember what she had just said.
“Let’s just hope there aren’t any re-tryouts.” Kat murmured quietly, while debating with herself if she should cancel her hair appointment now with her royal stylist who was going to style her hair for that meeting.
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zerowing21
RP Moderator
Posts : 9973
| | Subject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:16 pm | |
| Lily, It's not bad at all. I would suggest using a thesaurus so you're using said all the time. Maybe add in a bit of character thoughts too and or actions. Also, don't forget details. Also, maybe have someone beta read for you. | |
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AngelicAura
Sirenix Fairy
 
Posts : 4184
Age : 25
Location : lovingnicoland
Hobbies : loving nico yazawa
| | Subject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:39 pm | |
| Oh gosh, I loved this! Can't wait for your next update.  | |
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Varda Elentari
Contest Winner
 
Posts : 1392
Age : 27
Location : Serenity <3
Hobbies : Writing, Biologying, Fairying
| | Subject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:54 pm | |
| This was brilliant for a first chapter Lily xD Far better than my own first fanfic  As Sten suggested, perhaps the occasional use of a more expressive word than 'said' might be beneficial but I loved it nonetheless ^.^ Keep up the brilliant work and I cannot wait to see what happens next! | |
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Kyra_Xyrespace
Super Moderator
 
Posts : 1182
Age : 31
Location : America
Hobbies : Writing, playing games, moderating on another forum
| | Subject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom Sun Aug 09, 2015 6:56 am | |
| This story has a lot of potential! The chapter was a nice intro to the dynamic of the girls, and I can't wait to see their adventures together. I would suggest running future chapters through a grammar program to help brush up on it; there were minor mistakes, but nothing that would distract from the reading.
Overall, it looks interesting and I can't wait for the next chapter. | |
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