Achilles of Zorr

Subject: Achilles of Zorr Wed Sep 24, 2014 7:37 pm

Name: Achilles

Age: 16

Gender: Male

Height: 5'6

Ethnicity: Zorrian

Race; Human

Allegiance: Neutral

Origins: Human

Powers: N/A

Appearance:

Achilles is muscular but lean, though his goal is to grow. He has brown, narrow eyes and blonde hair, with a dark tanned skin, and very large hands and feet. He's usually in sweats and a tank top, and prefers to walk barefoot, though he may throw on some sandals now and again. His signature colours are orange and brown.

Strengths:
1. Athletic; trained since a young age for war, physical feats come as second nature.
2. Swordsman; fights with a sword.
3. Animals lover; he likes animals and is very good with them. He is one of the few people in the history of Zorr who managed to domesticate a Zorrish Griffin.

Weaknesses:
1. Young and stupid; he takes risks in an attempt to impress people, which usually involves him getting hurt. His injuries are almost always funny, for other people to witness.
2. Stupid; he can be too trusting and easily led.
3. Wanna-be heartthrob; he is easily distracted by pretty girls.

Personality:
By nature he is kind at heart, tends to be understanding, defaults to gentle, and is overall very friendly.
However, he can be quite foolish, is prone to risk taking, quite the show off, very arrogant, and of course, boastful.
He often relies on others to help him think with logic rather then emotion.

History:

The first born son of the King, Achilles is a Prince of Zorr. However, this means very little to the King, as in Zorrian Culture, the King hand-selects the most capable leader to be the 'Crown Heir'. Achilles must earn the right that other first-born princes receive due to timing, but he isn't really sure he wants that responsibility.
Achilles' Mother is prized among his people, for most women who die without the assistance of midwives during childbirth, she managed to survive birthing seven sons, and recently, one daughter. As a result, Achilles was raised with six siblings to help with, who he always encouraged to be good to each other... a foreign concept, passed on to him by his foreign mother.
Before leaving home, his future wife was chosen by his father, which really bummed him out because he had been hoping to find a girl and fall in love while away from home. It remains, to this day, a secret hope.
Like his cousins, he attended the Zorr Military Academy, and is currently the first Zorrian student to attend Red Fountain. He was permitted only to attend, if his Aunt, Molpadia, was there to ensure he kept up with the training standards set by his people.

RP Moderator Posts : 9973

Alright, first off, please write the personality out, don't just list it. Being naive is more of a personality trait, change it to something like, He tends to trust others a bit too much and is easily fooled. Skirt Chaser isn't really a weakness to me and isn't exactly appropriate with the age groupings on the site.

Using a sword isn't much of a strength since a good portion of the students uses them at Red fountain.

Could you add a bit more to the history please?

Subject: Re: Achilles of Zorr Wed Sep 24, 2014 7:52 pm

Quote :: Skirt chaser

Please reword this.

Quote :: Personality:
Kind at heart, understanding, gentle, friendly
Foolish, risk taking, show off, arrogant, boastful,

If you haven't read the How To Make an OC guide then please do, this should be described not listed.

And what Zero has mentioned as well.

Please change those.

Subject: Re: Achilles of Zorr Wed Sep 24, 2014 8:22 pm

I agree with Sarah and Zero. Please fix those two areas, thank you.

Subject: Re: Achilles of Zorr Wed Sep 24, 2014 8:35 pm

zerowing21 wrote:: Using a sword isn't much of a strength since a good portion of the students uses them at Red fountain.

By that logic being athletic isn't a strength either since the whole school surrounds athletics. Secondly, I seem to recall most students specialize in their own favoured weapons.

Secondly, how is being naive not a weakness considering that's how people get taken advantage of?

RP Moderator Posts : 9973

Its a personality trait, but as I said reword it so it doesn't sound that way. Being athletic can be a strength if you're quicker than normal. They might use other things, but a good portion from what we've seen in season 1 use swords. We only see like 3 people use other weapons aside from Timmy. Helia uses other weapons, but the main weapon is a sword.

Subject: Re: Achilles of Zorr Wed Sep 24, 2014 11:53 pm

So why can't he maybe be better with a sword then most? Like, it's kind of unreasonable to demand exactly three 'strengths' but also demand a cap on their abilities and limit what can be a strength. If a persons main skill or 'strength' is playing the violin, and you want them to be written with a "wow" factor level of skill with said violin, realistically they wouldn't have other notable strengths because it takes time and effort to develop said skills. Time and effort usually involve not dividing this time and effort to other developments. You mods are way too focused on numbers, why don't you ask for people to elaborate on the degree of their strengths and weaknesses before passing judgement?

RP Moderator Posts : 9973

He can be, but you need to state it instead of leaving it as a general thing. The way you had it leaves us with no information on his strength of it. So if you say, He's better with sword handling and combat, I would buy it. You need to sell the characters good and bad points.

Also Stupid is a personality trait. You could say due to his lack of experience with people outside his own planet, he is too trusting of others.

You need to make them make sense, not just be general. We have a minimum of 3 to help flesh out the character. The more information we have and the less general it is the better.

We are here to help and try to flesh out the characters. Kitten, I know you might not like being told there is something wrong cuz of the criticism, but use it to get better. Try to work with us on this.

Subject: Re: Achilles of Zorr Thu Sep 25, 2014 5:39 am

zerowing21 wrote:: He can be, but you need to state it instead of leaving it as a general thing. The way you had it leaves us with no information on his strength of it. So if you say, He's better with sword handling and combat, I would buy it. You need to sell the characters good and bad points.

Also Stupid is a personality trait. You could say due to his lack of experience with people outside his own planet, he is too trusting of others.

You need to make them make sense, not just be general. We have a minimum of 3 to help flesh out the character. The more information we have and the less general it is the better.

*We are here to help and try to flesh out the characters. Kitten, I know you might not like being told there is something wrong cuz of the criticism, *but use it to get better. Try to work with us on this.

*First of all, you don't know what 'fleshed out' MEANS if you think you need a set NUMBER of traits, and ignore the traits themselves and the degree to which they influence the character. Secondly, you are in no way helping me or ANYONE on this site to write 'better', you are simply holding very (unreasonable) standards for WHAT people can write.

Here is a quote by Sarah the Gamer Empress

Quote :

Quote :: History: Heather was born on a icy planet where she was raised by the king and queen of the icy planet.When she was just a teenager she was playing with a baby penguin and accidentally freeze the baby with one of her spells. The kingdom wasn't happy with her so they decided as a kingdom to banish her.Now she is lives in her own home she made out of her frozen powers. She is now studying at cloudtower where she wants to make herself the most powerful witch in the magic dimension.In the future Heather wants to freeze everything and everyone in the world so she can be the only living thing in the whole galaxy.

She's an Elsa rip-off. Yay.. please change her history. Thank you.

This is apparently unacceptable, having shared a trait of her backstory being she hurt someone/something with her powers and was 'banished' for it (which is actually pretty cliche in media to begin with, just look at most vampire stories in modern media).

However the Character Princess Mina; Fairy of Love
Who shares MORE in common with Sailor Venus in her name (in the English dub her name was Mina), age, planet, power, even one of her attacks 'chain of love' is from Sailor Venus, is totally acceptable? The creator even has a picture of sailor moon as her profile picture. It could not be a more obvious rip off.

Are you serious mods? One person can rip off a character from another fandom, but someone else can't? Why? Because the mod doesn't like Frozen and instead likes Sailor Moon? That's not fair at all.

Saying 'stupid' is not a weakness by the way, is one of the dumbest possible things you can say. Show me one example where 'stupid' in no way hinders ones efforts or adds challenge to a task.
'Bad at Math' is a weakness, but one doesn't face math every minute of every day, so how is it a valid weakness? However, every minute of every day requires someone to THINK, and being stupid hinders that, thus Stupid is in fact, a valid weakness.

You asked what 'Strengths' they have, and no where and not at any time, did you specify these strengths had to be what makes them superior to other characters. The character profile said strengths meant skills the characters had, that is is, and thus having sword skill would in fact, belong there.

RP Moderator Posts : 9973

Kitten, just because you're not getting your way, doesn't mean you have to go on the attack against other people's characters. At the time Lily made that character she wasn't even using a sailor moon avatar. The backstory is not the same for that character however. This is why we work with people to iron out this stuff to prevent it.

It is still a personality trait none the less and its to general. Maybe if you said something like, due to not having no real world experience, he is ignorant, then that would work.

As for your comments for the set limit. We have the set limit because we want to see a detailed character. We've had people put up one of each trait and that was that, we have the three minimum for a reason. I do know what fleshed out means. The standards might be high, but these sheets are meant to allow for a full OC to be made within the rules that works. Personality traits can't be in the strengths or weakness because its a defining trait to who they are.

As for the sword skill, you have to explain how his sword skill is better than others. Just don't list it and say he is. Details for this are key and help us understand.